Training went wrong o.O
Rode Mazurco Firyoza on saturday and the training didn't go as well as I've planned :/ The weather was nice so decided to ride outside. I rode with a girl named Idil (met her this weekend). It was a bit windy so went inside for jumping. Then Nazlı came too :) She rode Besni Bey and he was naping as much as he old times -.- Well we ( me and Idil) had to jump a grid. It's made of one X fence + oxer + trot poles (in the middle of them so we had to canter instead of trotting). Firyoza took earlier while jumping the oxer so I landed on her neck. She didn't stop and we jumped all the way to the X fence and she also jumped the X fence with me hanging on her neck trying to sit back on the saddle. I didn't even try to jump off and stop her because I knew that my feet would get caught in the stirups so I prefer to jump on her neck than being dragged behind!. Anyway I didn't fall, had a really extreme save hahah. She did that again but this time we were jumping it from the other side of the manege so we jumped the X fence ( it wasn't X anymore, but 90cm high I guess) she took early again and I landed on her neck. This time I was screaming inside "Please do not jump the oxer!!!!" And outside my face looked emotionless, no fear,no panic, just trying to hold on. My smart girl didn't jump the oxer. If she had jumped it we'd both end on the ground. Then we tried it a second time and we did it perfectly :) There is a video on youtube :)
One thing that really got on to my nerves was that the other trainer ( women) told my trainer not to do anymore jumping with me! Because that I couldn't come a lot to training but it's because of my family. Next week my trainer will talk with dad. I hope he persuades my dad to take me more to riding. Anyway what that women did really really pissed me off. I mean we all learn with falls right ? Everybody fall and it's not a matter of life and death when you are in the manege. Well..most of the time. But if she ever does that again I will scream right back at her face. My trainer didn't listen to her fortunately and we jumped that grid over again. I'm so proud that he trusts me and that day everyone came to me and told me that it was fantastic how I didn't let go of the horse. My trainer even told me that :)
I couldn't ride Magelan because his owner was going to come and ride him but maybe I will ride him another time when his owner isn't there :) I went to his box and he was behaving just so gentle and cute to me :) <3 !
Back to december
Everyday is the same in school
We had rock climbing training today and after watching Sanctum yesterday I was soo good today at the training. I did some super cool moves on the wall hahah :) I am not even tired, I worked really hard but my arms don't hurt. Weird but nice!
Tomorrow we have a geometrie quiz!!! =/ I don't want to study for it, I don't like it. I used to love geometrie but in this school they want us to write everything down. I mean come one it is maths , there's no point in writing an essay!! Stupidity.
me and Nic.
I'm lost in heart ache and I don't wanna be found
My heart breaks in silence cause there is no one around...
Things aren't going the way I want so that pisses me off. Actually I don't angry to people or to my friends, I act as if I am the most happiest girl in this whole world but inside I am all fucked up, perfect. There are some moments that I really have to hold myself not to cry. I miss Sezar and all the love he gave to me. I also miss Maverick, my Maverick. After thinking that the horse in the box in Horse Village was Maverick and finding out that he wasn't, that dissapointment... everything got worse. Why can't we accept when we lose something ? Why don't we never stop searching ?
There is so so so much that I've been keeping inside and I can't share it with anyone. It's not that I can't but it is because I don't want to. Don't you ever feel like you won't be able to solve anything? Don't you ever think that no one will understand you ?
P.S. I watched Sanctum over again today and again I fell in love with the movie !
vampires suck
Still hoping that someday I'll find you
I saw this horse while I was going to look at Magelan and doesn't he look exactly like Maverick ?! I started crying at first because I tought I founf him at last, he was there! He has the same face with Maverick, same moves and the same look. I understand it from it's eyes but they say that this horse has never been to anywhere but Horse Village. Yes, I understood that he isn't Maverick because Maverick has an extra mark on his face from this horse. They're feet are not the same because Maverick has a stock at his back foot and he is a lot taller than this horse whos name is Burak. Anyway I wonder if he has anything to do with Maverick because it isn't normal that they are so similiar ! It was such a dissapointment when I learned that he wasn't Maverick, I tried so hard to hold back the tears. The thing is I still hope that I will find Maverick one day. I will never stop searching for him...
TRÄNING
My trainer wasn't there so I had to do the lesson with another trainer which I don't really like because she always tells me the things I already know! Hello ?! Tell me something I don't know and make me learn! We didn't do any proper jumping or dressage so this was a totally bloody boring training. I rode Firyoza and she told me that they will ride her again so I shouldn't canter a lot with her... It was really soo boring and I was dissapointed. Next week my trainer will be there and we'll do a jumping class. I hope I ride MAGELAN (he is the horse I've ridden last week after Firyoza but I call him Mercedes or maybe Ferrari haha because he's sooo good!!!). I learned that he's for sale. Maybe we can....
After riding Firyoza I rode Besni Bey the Arab horse for half an hour I guess. He is the worst horse ever in Horse Village. He's so slow and hard to get to canter. Boring.
Shoppingen från Ikea
After the training we went to Ikea to eat and buy some stuff for home. We are designing some rooms again. Mom bought some stuff for her room and when it's all complete I will change my room to. Inside of it of course. By the way I really loved the Rotera (white candle holder). That little couch is for my room but I won't buy that color ( Ektorp Jennylund).
God Morgon!
Just wanted to say good morning before I go to riding :) I dreamed of the black horse I've ridden next week and I really hope I jump with him today! He was soo wonderful! I will also learn his name haha :) I slpet at 10pm last night so today I am full of energy, ready for the training! 
A picture from New York (this winter). In Central Park.
You know I'd do anything for you, I don't forget you and I miss you and I love you and I want you to know that
Went to see Sezar afterschool with Nicole. First of all getting there was a real adventure because we tried so hard not to be hit by a car. Finally we got to my old manege and than I ran straight to the manege where my trainer used to stand next to a jump and shout. He was there as always. I ran to him, I've missed to bloody much! You can't even imagine and it has only been a month or so.
After that I went to the stables to see Sezar on the way to his box I saw Gamain and he looked brilliant as always :) I saw Sezar in his box, he waslooking outside from the open window not paying attention. I said his name out loud and he recognized my voice, turned back and that moment I really had difficulties holding back the tears. I hugged him so hard and he played with me like he always used to do showing me that he hasn't forgot anything at all. I could read everything from his eyes, his beautiful big eyes which look at me full of hope. I had to tell him that I wasn't back. And I whispered in his ear ;
"I will come back for you, I will never ever forget you. I will be back soon...I promise. You know..I always keep my word. I love you."
"I need you! Now! xo"
We've known eachother since 2008 I guess. I remember the times we both rode ponies who were 129cm hahah cute :) I looked at our pictures and wow I realized that I miss those times a lot. I wish I could go back...
I throw my hands up in the air sometimes saying AYO gotta LET GO !
Picture from last summer. It's our home in Los Angeles / Marina del Rey. Needs to be redecorated hahah :D this morning I was listening to Vanilla Sky in the schoolbus while everyone was sleeping. I remembered the times in LA. I miss it so much... Tomorrow I have Turkish Literature exam and I will study for it, have good grades from all of my exams and in summer I will go to riding camp in LA. We will be there for a month :)
On friday there'll be an exhibition in school and if my parents are ok with it I will stay with Nicole. It'll be so fun that's obvious! It will start at 6pm and will end at 8pm. We're off from school at around 3pm so we have 3 hours to do whatever we want. I hope my parents say yes.
Say what you will before it's too late
French exam was hard! I won't say that it didn't go well but it wasn't that good. Oral part was a bit difficult. After the exam had 2 P.E. lessons and played volleyball, went crazy and hyper :D I will study Turkish literature today and maybe some history.
Everything went good today but I tought about a friend of mine who has changed a lot. She was so close to me and we've been friends since we were little kids! Now I feel so far away from her. I know she had bad times but she wouldn't let me help. I understand her and I try to be easy on her but she gets worse everyday. I don't know how I can get her back, the real her...
Do you feel like you are thousand miles away from home ?
Had a pretty nice Sunday :) Studied French because we have an exam tomorrow. Hope it goes well and I have to get a high grade from it. It'll be the first exam of this term. Exciting ? Yes sooo fun :D .No it isn't.
My parents went to have lunch with the other family members and I got so bored so me and my sister, we went to shopping which I hate to do but didn't have a choice. We didn't buy anything, just looked around and stayed away from the old people hahah. I got my sister to walk 2km !!! Normally she doesn't eve walk a metre hahaha :D but I always chatted with her on the way back so she didn't even realize how much we've walked. When she understood what I was trying to do I became the "Evil sister" hahahah :D
The picture is from today. My sister took it. It is our cat Azimli and I actually sat on her by accident! But no problem she's still alive :D AND as you see she still loves me !
It's like a dream come true
Jumping was also perfect but sometimes I can't get her to trot over the trot poles in front of the X fences. Besides she was pretty fast but sometimes took early. Anyway it was my fault that I couldn't feel the strides :)
After her I rode a horse named Besni Bey and it was an Arab horse. Wonderful seat!!! He was so easy to sit on but hard to get to canter anyway it is a very soft horse to ride. Finally I rode a horse but don't know it's name. It was a boy I only know that hah :D and he has an owner which I also don't know...weird. My trainer wanted to try me so I did a jumping course with that horse too. I'll learn it's name next week but he was also so fast and perfect in jumping. He is black and has shiny fur, so beautiful. Or should I say handsome??
Tonight I'm takin' no calls cause I'll be riding!
Will go to riding tomorrow with my mom and dad. I hope we do jumping because we did dressage last week and at the moment I am feeling so hyper that I won't be able to do dressage all lesson. A little jumping class would be perfect! Can't wait till tomorrow!
Sometimes we should suck the marrow out of life
All this time I have been trying to stay away from someone I love. The one I love the most with all of my heart.. Today I realized something. Next year he'll be graduating and the year after I will leave Turkey and go to where I really belong. I won't be coming back so probably we won't see eachother ever again. The time we have is very precious so we shouldn't waste it right ? Trying to ignore eachother because we think we hurt eachother doesn't help. These last years will be our last times together so why ruin it all ? It's pointless. All mylife I've been the kind of girl who obeyed the rules but this time I'll break them and be happy for the very first time.
Missing the fun times we had in the old riding club when it snowed...
Wow it feels like I haven't been going there for years but it has only been a month or so. I miss my pony, my trainer, my friends and everyone who worked there with me. I miss everything about it but I won't be going back there. Still I'm planning to visit soon.
I went there when there was a big snow storm in 2010 or 2009. We couldn't go back home and had to stay in the stabled with horses. I did a jumping class with Maverick for the first time that day. It was amazing, I still remember every second of it. Then we went to Maverick's box and I hugged him, rubbed my fingers to his warm skin because I couldn't feel them, it was that cold. The time we had there was so fun. I still have videos and pictures of it. I also miss Maverick....
When we let go of our differences we discover who we are
Watched The Black Balloon 2 or 3 weeks ago but I really liked that film so I watched it over again today. The only thing I want to mention is that models can't act!!!! Oh Gosh Gemma Ward couldn't have acted worse! Models are for modeling not acting. They only have a beautiful body (no offense to that of course!) but it takes talent to act and they don't have it. At least Gemma Ward doesn't. Anyway she is very beautiful. I really appriciate her as a model :) One of my favorite models :)
Ouch!
While I was rushing to the class a boy who is 2 years older than me hit me and I fell down + hurt my hand. I have it bandaged now but it really hurts I hope there isn't anything wrong... He was running so fast and I actually flew and been dragged 3m on the floor. The fall wasn't scary but funny.
I decided o make a difference and so I will go watch a movie with my sister instead of checking my facebook. It is snowing outside and I am in pain so I need a distraction. Hot chocolate+a good chilling movie=joy
Snow!
It's snowing at last! Well had a pretty bad school day because I saw him many times. Actually it hurts too much but still I do everything to see him all the time. Besides we had rock climbing training and my feet hurt so much but I finished the route I wanted to do! I'm pretty happy about it but those shoes just kill me.
I have a homework about design for tomorrow and I really don't want to do it. I hate art lessons. We also have to do a presentation in class and I hate that too. By the way the "Francophonie" week is getting closer so I as a class we have to prepare a show. We chose the roles today and I will be the presenter so that means I will be active in the show. 
This is not your legacy, this is not your destiny, yesterday does not define you
Wrote a long letter about Jess an realized that I miss her a lot. I nearly cried while writing those things. I still feel weird when I remember the way she died. I'm still riding because of a promise I made and I don't regret it. I always keep my word. Having her gone changed my life a lot, in good and bad ways. I learned how to be strong and learned how to get up without any help when I hit the ground. The bad part is I cried a lot and looked like a mess and she wouldn't be proud of me if she saw me in this situation. She was a strong independent girl so...
I never tought that something bad could happen to me when I fall from a horse because I believed that she protected me all the time. I never tought that we'd share the same destiny. Accidents can happen but that doesn't mean that it'd hit us all. Jess had big dreams about riding and I will make them come true for her. We shared the same dreams so I will also make my dreams come true.
When things don't go right I always think of her and what she's do in that situation. I always , always wish she was here, I wish she'd never left us.
...
If you are reading this Nicole please help me tomorrow with this HTML thing. Iris treid but she couldn't. I really don't have anytime to learn Swedish to use this blog and I really wanna shout out loud at the moment and scream "FUCK".
The only thing I have is everything I lose
Well Turkey enabled www.blogger.com so I can't use my old blog. Turkey enables a lot of websites so I decided to find a new blog site that they can't enable. This one is in Swedish and I really had a lot of difficulty understanding it making it work but now it looks kind of alright. 
I saw Sezar in my dream last night and I realized that I miss him a lot! We were in my house with some friends but something wasn't going right so I went to the balcony to check Sezar. He was swimming in our pool and was pretty happy. In the morning I couldn't find him and with the voice aids I looked for him. Found him tied up in the stairs. I helped him to get out of the ropes and that's all I remember but it was weird and scary.
