Thanks a lot for all the support and love!
Why does it seem so far away?
Well I have nothing new to say...It's always the same these days or shall I say this month? Now it feels like impossible to get on a horse again. I watch my old videos and look at my pictures and all the time I'm like wow..It was me who did it all.That brave girl was me. I almost forgot what a saddle feels like underneath me. I miss the scars that reins would leave in my hands. I miss the pain in my muscles after a training. I miss the fear I used to feel while jumping a huge fence and I miss the joy I used to have after jumping it. I miss the smell of horses. I miss the smell of my horse, my Jessica.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert
My exams started and well they all suck for now unfortunately. In two weeks they will be over and I will go and see my Jessica. I don't know if I'll ride her. My life has changed a lot. I never imagined that one single accident would change it all, take away everything I had. I still can't believe what hapenned. What hapenned to me? What hapenned to I can do all things? I feel almost dead,unable to do anything. In P.E. classes people stare. It is still considered rude to stare at people right? Doesn't that apply to me anymore. I can't even talk to someone and tell them exactly how I feel. The pain is another thing and I'm pretty much tired of it because I can't even swim. On friday I went to swimming with dad and suddenly there was this sharp stinging pain in my back going down to my left foot. I couldn't swim to the stairs. My dad carried me out of the water.
If I walk away...
It has nearly been a month since I'm not riding. I can say clearly that my butt misses the saddle. Still I am not back and it seems like it will take more than a month for me to heal. Dealing with the all sudden and sharp pain is hard. My family doesn't mention horses to me anymore. I think they know how bad I feel about it and they try not to remind me what hapenned. Two days ago I went to shopping with mom and bought some stuff from USPA. Even hearing that name reminds me a lot. All the days I spent on a horse,in a stable and especially the time I got to watch Polo World Championships in Switzerland on a frozen lake! Now it all seems so past that I can't even imagine myself on a horse. My dad told me to eat healthy because an athlete does. I told him that I'm not one anymore and left the room. A lot of people think I just sit down and cry but no I'm holding everything in. Trying to heal and do my best, I just try not react but then there is some girl who comes to me and says that I'm exaggerating. That's like..wow! How can people be so...I can't even find the words to describe. I'm not talking to that person anymore. Yes, I'm angry and I am being offensive because that person can talk without knowing anything, without knowing that pain. So that person should up!
R.I.P. Hickstead 1996-2011
Binicilik tarihinin en büyük atlarından biri olan Hickstead, dün koşulan Verona Dünya Kupası ayağında parkurunu binicisi Eric Lamaze ile tamamladıktan sonra aramızdan ayrıldı. Sporcuların talebi üzerine müsabaka durdurularak sahada 1 dakikalık saygı duruşu gerçekleştirildi.
11.11.11 make a wish
Went to Kemer Country on wednesday with my dad. Was a really nice day but unfortunately I caught a cold. Last night I didn't sleep at all and I went to school today. It was a total torture. Right now I feel a lot better thanks to mom and the medicines.
As you can see I went to see the horses again, we visited the big riding club in Kemer Country. I got to see some cool horsies and pretty huge riding arenas. It was a nice place though a lot of people kept staring at me. They knew me and knew them but I didn't go talk to anybody. I had the Master Swimming Team with me come on! That was so cool and they were all asking me when my next competition is. Their attitude made me feel a lot more better. I can't wait to get better and get back on the saddle!
I can't stay away from horses,can I ?
First of all I should say that I've missed horses and riding so much. Before I dodn't really want to hear about them because it made me feel worse, I didn't want to remember how it hapenned but at school and in everywhere people wouldn't stop asking me how it hapenned and what hapenned. So I had to tell them all of it over and over.
The thing is I've been receiving some e-mails from people who are telling me that I've inspired them. I want to tell those people that they are the ones who inspired me. I want to thank them all for those lovely mails,they really made me feel better. And no I'm not giving up riding, I'm just taking a break for 2 months or maybe less. I've told people that I won't ride this year but I won't be able to do that. I won't be able to stay away from horses.
3 days ago I went to see my old pony Caesar and my old trainer. They made me remind of how important horses and riding to me. I remembered who I was. I definitely feel better. My parents don't want me to do any jumping this year but I will still do some jumping max up to 90cm but NO PARCOURS,maybe little ones? I'm not sure. I'm still a little scared after that fall because I couldn't feel my legs and falling on a fence (oxer) and breaking it with your back...that hurts.
Me and Caesar
About my back, I can walk without pain now but still sometimes there's this pain that wouldn't let me breathe. I still have bad times but I'm dealing with it. I'm swimming a lot to have a strong back. But it still feels like I'm going to break down if I move a lot. That is a really bad feeling. Sometimes I can't sleep in night because o the sharp pain and the painkillers wouldn't stop it. I still have nightmares about the accident and I see myself in a wheelchair. I tought all was over because I really couldn't feel anything below my waist,it was ever so scary.
The thing is I've been receiving some e-mails from people who are telling me that I've inspired them. I want to tell those people that they are the ones who inspired me. I want to thank them all for those lovely mails,they really made me feel better. And no I'm not giving up riding, I'm just taking a break for 2 months or maybe less. I've told people that I won't ride this year but I won't be able to do that. I won't be able to stay away from horses.
3 days ago I went to see my old pony Caesar and my old trainer. They made me remind of how important horses and riding to me. I remembered who I was. I definitely feel better. My parents don't want me to do any jumping this year but I will still do some jumping max up to 90cm but NO PARCOURS,maybe little ones? I'm not sure. I'm still a little scared after that fall because I couldn't feel my legs and falling on a fence (oxer) and breaking it with your back...that hurts.
Me and Caesar
About my back, I can walk without pain now but still sometimes there's this pain that wouldn't let me breathe. I still have bad times but I'm dealing with it. I'm swimming a lot to have a strong back. But it still feels like I'm going to break down if I move a lot. That is a really bad feeling. Sometimes I can't sleep in night because o the sharp pain and the painkillers wouldn't stop it. I still have nightmares about the accident and I see myself in a wheelchair. I tought all was over because I really couldn't feel anything below my waist,it was ever so scary.
New blog design! Hope you like it :)
Hey! Wow I'm super sorry that I don't post anymore but see changed my blogg design and I think it looks a bit too girly but I liked it, ok for now :) My dad helped me with the resizing of the picture for the header. I had a loot of trouble before hahah but now I'll use this one to make all the other headers.
